Introduction to Emotionally-Focused Couple Therapy

 

 

An example of argument

Beth worked from home and completed some big tasks there, looking forward to the downtime she’s going to enjoy with her partner. Alex had a long day at work and rushed some errands before getting home, also excited to join Beth for the relaxing night. However, it’s an hour later than Beth expected when Alex arrived. 

Alex was all happy seeing Beth while Beth’s face turned red, “where have you been?”

Alex became a bit nervous and said, ”I ran some errands as we talked about yesterday.”

Beth sounded blamy and corrected, “no, we said you could pick up some bread by the way home only and we could do everything else together!!”

Alex tried to defend, “was it? I thought we said…”

Beth got more angry, “How could you forget again. arr..  Don’t argue with me!!”

And there they went, the supposed relaxing leisure time ticked away in the arguments. This might sound familiar to you. Something small, even trivial could set up the whole sequence of debates and even escalated to big fights.

 

 

 

Attachment

Emotionally-Focused Couple Therapy was founded by Sue Johhson and her colleagues and is extensively researched for decades. It is empirically proven to effectively reduce couple’s fights and enhance connection. EFT understands couples’ relationship in terms of attachment, i. e. how we form close relationships with significant others. The earliest one is with our parents (caregivers). Psychology researchers found there are 4 attachment styles:

 

Security: The baby can accept his mom’s comfort and be soothed when he’s scared 

                           or worried, like temporarily separated from his mom. 

Anxious: The baby is very hard to be soothed by the mom when he’s frightened.        

                           He would cry out of his lungs or throw tantrums.  

Avoidant: The baby seems indifferent from his mother’s comfort when he’s stirred 

                            by situations, like the temporary separation. 

Disorganised: When the baby gets scared, in one moment he’s clinging to his mother 

                                 for comfort but goes away and withdraws in the next.   

 

Adult intimate relationships develop based on these early prototypes. Sue Johnson’s Hold Me Tight is a good read to understand our attachment styles and how they affect our intimate relationships.   

 

 

 

Positions

Learning from attachment theory, EFT identifies a couple’s positions in the relationships, which informs the way they deal with conflicts.

 

Pursuer: Like the anxious attachment style, pursuers tend to approach their partners for their needs. They are not afraid of arguments because they wholeheartedly want to solve any relationship problems and consider the cooling down of a fight means abandonment.

Withdrawer: Similar to the avoidant attachment stylers, withdrawers turns away from their people when they get scared or worried. They get freezed in the heat of argument and worry that fights only destroy relationships and if they say the wrong words or do the wrong thing, they will get rejected by their partner.

 

As you probably can see, the more the pursuer tries to seek a solution or care, the more the withdrawer sees potential danger to the relationship, so the withdrawer holds back more. And then, the pursuer is triggered with the fear of abandonment more so pursues more. So they get caught up in a negative cycle and both feel hurt and lonely.

 

 

 

 

Emotions

Emotions are the responses when our attachment needs are met or not. They are the gold to unpack the couple’s interaction pattern, like the negative cycle. 

 

Reactive emotions: Like irritation, frustration, anger, try to be the protectors of ourselves and

                                  relationships. They are legitimate but can unintentionally cause harm instead.                                          EFT validates reactive emotions and would like to explore the mostly paired,                                            primary ones.    

Primary emotions: Like sadness, helplessness, loneliness and fear..make us feel very

                                vulnerable. In times of arguments, we don’t feel safe enough to access these so                                      hide from our partners even to ourselves. However, they help couples to really                                        understand each other and have true connection. Usually, they are the keys to de-                                  escalate the fights.

 

 

 

My attachment fears

The primary emotions are showing our stories about ourselves from our history. 

Sadness and loneliness could say, “I feel very lonely and it’s like I don’t deserve attention.”

Helplessness and fear might say, “I feel at a loss like I am never good/capable enough.”

EFT will take the couples in a safe way to touch upon their vulnerabilities and show their view of self. True talking of two wounded hearts reveals out of the facade of angry complaint and righteous defense.  

 

 

 

Breakthrough to negative cycles

EFT validates all emotions and sees through the contents of arguments. EFT doesn’t play the blaming game and find out who’s fault it is but tries to distill the primary emotions and attachment meanings in an experiential way. Perhaps you could practice with your partner. Take a pause in an argument and reflect on yourself of these inner states and then reconnect with your own vulnerable feelings and attachment fear.

 

It’s also a good idea to have a little help with the EFT therapist’s facilitation. Welcome to book with me for couple work. I suggest giving a 6 session, 4 conjoint and 2 individual sessions initially, to practice on the new strategies to improve the relationships. 

 

Written by Ying-Ni Huang Counseling Psychologist